NBA?

Does anyone really care about the NBA anymore?

The athletes make way too much money, and still find a way to complain of being underpaid. They can't make free throws. 97% of the shots taken are three-pointers or dunks.

Shouldn't the league be going on strike soon? Please. Pretty please.

McPsych 101

Ok, so I haven't posted to my blog in 3 months. I have been incredibly busy....however, sometimes stories come along that can't be missed.

In my (still relatively) young life, there have been times of great joy, periodically followed by times of complete despair. And, in my introspection, I can only arrive at one common link, one societal change, one life-changing event that triggers my whirlwind of positive emotions.....

The McRib.

For now, my friends, let us all rejoice that the sandwich of the century is back at participating McDonald's. My life has meaning again. (But for a limited time only)

Team Names

As a yearly ritual, I am in the midst of attempting to name my fantasy football team for the upcoming season. Here are my current front-runners:

1. Husrt Donut?
2. Hot for 200
3. Shemp and the She-Males
4. GILF Diggers
5. Big Mouth Backdoor Billy Lance Bass

Any feedback from my readers would be appreciated!

Coming Soon

New releases coming soon to a adult video store near you:
1. Butt Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Breast
2. Talladega Dykes: The Ballad of Dickie Knobby
3. VD for Vendetta
4. Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties
5. The Lady-boy in the Water

and finally....Trousers Snakes on a Plane!

Bonds Away

When will Barry Bonds go away? Seriously, we all know he's guilty. Please leave soon Barry. Take your place in history with Ben Johnson.

What's in a name?

In response to my many readers continually posing the questions..."What does your name t.c. stand for?"....I must put to rest the rumors circulating.

Here is a list of names that t.c. does NOT stand for:

1. Tevin Campbell- One hit wonder certainly now touring fair grounds near you.
2. The Count- Although his talent is underrated on Sesame Street, he is not I, and I not him.
3. The Crabs- I've never had or known anyone with crabs. Ok, that might be a lie.
4. Tinkerbell Cabin- It sounds like the sight of a mass murder, therefore I think it would make an eerie surname. No thanks!
5. Torture Candle- Hot and waxy....

I promise to reveal the truth in due time my avid readers.

Soccer Memories

I played youth soccer growing up. I continued my soccer career into high school and college. Although I did get two concussions while playing, I never had this happen.

Lord of the Snake Rings

I am a big fan of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I am not the superfan who camps out at the theater four months before its premiere, but I do think that the movies were some of the best in movie history. I laughed, I cried, I lusted after Liv Tyler, it was better than Cats.

On the other side of the spectrum, there is the soon-to-be-released, "Snakes on a Plane" starring Samuel L. Jackson. I'm not sure who thought producing this film would be a good idea, but I have to question their movie marketing knowledge. Apparently, snakes + airplane = summer movie blockbuster. Brilliant.

Muffy

If anyone reading this blog has never watched the tv series "Buffy The Vampire Slayer," do it right now. It truly is one of the greatest shows in television history. It has it all...drama, comedy, romance, graphic violence, and lesbians. Don't watch the original movie with Luke Perry. It was (how do I put this nicely) terrible. Besides, there were no lesbians in the movie.

Cry Every Mountain

I was moved to tears the first time I saw a mountain. I was flying over the Canadian Rockies. Sure the mountains were neat. But, I cried because the man in the seat next to me had sulfur farts.

A "Single" Request

As a single man in my late twenties, I feel inclined to outline a few rules for my married friends. (I should probably mention that nearly all of my friend's are married.) Therefore, in order to be respectful to me, here is all I ask of my married friends:

1. Don't talk to me about your sex life. I don't want to hear about how many times you had sex, where you mated, who was there, what toys were used, who watched, how long or how big. I don't care. If it continues, I will be forced to begin frequent discussions of my masturbation marathons at socially inappropriate times (in front of your family). Oh, I might do that anyway.

2. For Christmas, please don't expect gifts for you, your spouse, your twelve kids, and the family dog. I am not wealthy. I will have a discussion about the financial struggles of singleness in a later blog entry.

3. My life doesn't revolve around you or your schedule. One of the advantages of being single is the ability to come and go as I please. This doesn't mean that I will jump at the ten-minute window of opportunity that your wife gave you to hang out this week. I'm not that desperate to see you.

4. Go on dates with your spouses. My goodness, I rarely ever hear of or see my married friends going on dates. Get away and do something. Leave the kids, the dogs, the worries of everyday life and reconnect with one another. Just don't tell me about it if you choose to "reconnect" in that way.

He/She

I'm a HUGE soccer fan. Needless to say the last few weeks I've been in my own personal heaven. I have World Cup Fever. I have Tivo'ed every game.

I admit that I was excited that France defeated Brazil. I certainly don't hate Brazil. I think their team is amazingly talented. But, I do think that Ronaldhino might be a tranny. So, I didn't really think it was fair of them to keep winning.

Driving me Crazy

Recently, on my long drives to and from work, I have been pondering important philosophical ideas. My last drive produced a top ten list of the all time work karaoke songs. As my life continues to be open to you through this blog, I will share these musical gems with you now.

Top Ten Worst Karaoke Songs

10. "We are the World" by various artist. Could you imagine a drunk 40 something trying to imitate all those artists' voices?

9. Anything by Rob Zombie. His songs aren't what I would call "lyrical."

8. "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston. The problem with this song is twofold. First, the song sucks, and no one wants to hear a sappy love song in a pub full of drunken half-naked college students. Secondly, in order to do justice to any Whitney Houston song, one MUST carry with them a white napkin with which to wipe excess sweat from your brow during the performance. This is a MAJOR hindrance during karaoke performances.

7. "Take this Job and Shove It" by Johnny Paycheck. I have heard this song on several occasions at a bar I use to frequent. My personal favorite rendition is the bearded man who sang his version, "Take this job and shove it up your f##kIng a##." It was oddly amusing. However, I needed two Jaegermeister shots afterwards.

6. "It's the End of the World as We Know It" by REM. Why would anyone even try?

5. "The Thong Song" by Cisco. Yes, I've heard it. I never want to speak of it again.

4. "Who Let the Dogs Out" by The Baha Men. Do I even need to say anything?

3. "Hotel California" by The Eagles. Let's leave this one to William Hung.

2. "I Would Do Anything for Love" by Meatloaf. Although his performance in the Rocky Horror Picture Show was oscar-worthy, his songs don't appeal to the typical bar crowd.

and the number one all time worst karaoke song (in my opinion is)....

"I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls. I am not opposed to talking about masturbation. After all, who doesn't practice the love that dare not speak its name? But, do we really need to sing about it?

Needless to say, I should probably pay more attention to the road while driving....

Me

I'll try to paint you a self portrait. I'm 6'2 and slightly overweight. (Truthfully, the word "slightly" should be removed from the last sentence) I use to be in fairly decent shape, however, recent years have not been so kind. I'm balding on top. All of my hair seems to be falling off my head and taking up residence on my back. My eyes are deep-set blue. My goatee is often trimmed crooked. Not on purpose. But, at some point I have to stop the morning cycle of alternating shaving down the left and right sides in a failed attempt to attain symmetry.

I'm 27 years old, but if age were measured by emotional maturity, I'm guessing I would still be a teenager. Probably an early teen. I'm often impulsive, have little self discipline, and am particularly fond of Doritos. I'd like to think of myself as witty. My cousin insists that I am only funny one day per month. I refer to it as my "funny period." And by period I mean...well, I'm hoping you catch the inference.

My toes are extremely hairy.

A Tribute...

I don't claim to be a talented writer. However, I do attribute any abilities in this area to two individuals. First, my creative writer teacher in high school. He was a self-proclaimed communist. He was very tall, I'm guessing around 6'5. His glasses were outlined with thick, black frames and his hair was shoulder-lengthed and silver. (In retrospect, I'm guessing he attended Woodstock). He encouraged me to write about new things. Crazy, insane things. We wrote one essay on the three perspectives of looking at a pencil. Another involved being the driver in a car crash where our torsos were impaled on the steering column upon impact. As a junior in high school, I thought he was scary and odd. But, looking back, I learned a lot.

I'd also like to give some credit to my creative writing professor in college. I'm not sure if I actually learned anything in that class. However, I did get a chance to create a portfolio that included extremely controversial writings. I wrote openly about my sexual experiences, binge drinking episodes, personal philosophies, and thoughts about the mentally challenged. Did I mention that I attended a small conservative Christian college? Also, during my creative writing class time, I learned to take my underwear off without taking off my shorts. Talk about a resume builder...

So, without any reservations, I'd like to say a big thanks to Mr. Spare and Mr. Paperclips. (Their names have been altered to protect their anonymity.)

A Matter of Feeling

How does it feel when everyone surrounds you?
How do you deal? Do crowds just make you feel lonely?
What do you say when people come and try to pin you down?

Acquaintances smile, but there's no understanding--
How after a while, you keep falling off the same mountain...
Try to explain it...nothing really gets them that high...

Steal away in the morning
Love's already history to you...
It's a habit you're forming
This body's desperate for something new...
Just a matter of feeling,
This moment's madness sure to pass...
And tears will dry as you're leaving
Who knows, you might find something to last...

Emotion's a game, saved up for a rainy Monday--
But you laugh just the same--'cos it's been pourin' on sunday...
Call up your numbers, never let the zeroes bring you down...
How does it feel? Is time too heavy to hold?
Whatever you decide, for the the moment is holy...
Whenever you slow down--
To see life is passing by...

I admit that I am a fan of Duran Duran. I spent many of my childhood years analyzing their lyrics that, upon further review in my adult years, don't really mean anything. Sure they sounded "neat." But, I never really understood the intent or the emotion that Simon LeBon was attempting to convey. However, this song, the exception.

I do keep falling off the same mountain. Time is too heavy to hold. My body is depreate for something new. I do feel lonely in crowds.

That's who I am. That's how I feel...NOT.

That's a bunch of dookie. Duran Duran was crazy.

Underwear Philosophy

I haven't always been capable of looking outside myself. In fact, it has taken a purposeful effort. I, like many humans, am selfish in nature. At some point as a young adult, I was able to look at other perspectives. Perhaps I don't mean look, but actually think critically at other worldviews.

I spent a good portion of my life taking care of myself. I spent another good portions of my life attempting (and often times succeeding) to manipulate people and circumstances. I assure you that I have my reasons to justify my efforts. However, I will fight the urge to recite my childhood stories of latch-key trauma. Instead, I admit my complete failure at attempting to control my life and it's outcomes. I've learned through my life that the more I attempt to control, the less likely I am to attain my desired result.

Life is what it is. It's a beast. A wild ride around the sun that has few certainties. We are certain that...1. The sun will rise. 2. Change is certain. 3. At the end of each day, no matter how hard I try, my underwear will mysteriously produce amazingly odiferous skid marks, even though I sometimes go through the entire work days without going number two.

Therein lies the mystery. (No not in my stained undies). Walking, talking, breathing, loving, existing in a world that often times seems senseless.

CYA

Before I go any further, I need it to be known that the title of this blog is not an original. The title actually comes from lyrics of a music group called Over the Rhine. They are amazing artists, and I would encourage anyone reading this to check out their music. And, if by some odd chance that legal counsel for Over the Rhine are reading this blog, I in no way intend to make any money from this blog. Your clients were just able to utilize words far better than I, to capture the essence of my vision..

And so it began...

I am not sure what prompted my sudden journey into the world of blogging. I would like to think it was due to an innate desire to convey the wisdom I've learned during my personal journey. However, more likely, I am seeking peace. An opportunity for me to have a dialogue with myself. A chance to take a look outside myself, and make sense of a world that often times appears senseless...