I miss The Muppet Show. I have such fond memories of Kermit, Miss Piggy, Beaker, Gonzo, the Swedish Chef, and Scooter, just to name a few. As a young man full of hormone imbalances, I recall identifying with different characters during my various moods (my emotional intelligence as a child was off the fucking charts). When I was lucid, I was Kermit-logical and coherent. When losing self-control, I was Animal, banging on everything in sight. When struggling with my apparent lack of talent (what 7 year old doesn’t) and felt like hard work was the only solution, I was Fozzy Bear.
Over the years, I've revisited my fascination with my hand-operated friends on many occasions. I wonder how Muppets could fit into society in 2008. I have come to realize that in order to make the characters reflect the real world struggles of modern day citizens, the Muppets must change with the times. Sure, stagehands are important, as are scientists and drummers. However, we need Muppets for a new Millennium.
Here is my current list of Muppets we need, and the roles I see them playing:
Wilma Muffstank: Muppet Porn Star (although Miss Piggy was clearly headed in that direction)
Milfy Rachel: Cooking/Talk Show Host Muppet
Billy Goatie-Gates: Internet Junkie Muppet
Oliver O: Muppet Army Sergeant
Lil Barry Boo-Hoo: Steroid Abusing Muppet
Mary-Kate No Biscuit Ate: Eating Disorder Muppet
Jamie-Terry Pat: Hermaphroditic Star of Muppet Idol
I also desperately need a substance abusing Muppet…a sort of Alcoholic Muppet. Yes, that’s it exactly. I will think of a good name for an Alcoholic Muppet and post it at a later time.
Sometimes I guess I have too much time on my hands…
