Bonds Away

When will Barry Bonds go away? Seriously, we all know he's guilty. Please leave soon Barry. Take your place in history with Ben Johnson.

What's in a name?

In response to my many readers continually posing the questions..."What does your name t.c. stand for?"....I must put to rest the rumors circulating.

Here is a list of names that t.c. does NOT stand for:

1. Tevin Campbell- One hit wonder certainly now touring fair grounds near you.
2. The Count- Although his talent is underrated on Sesame Street, he is not I, and I not him.
3. The Crabs- I've never had or known anyone with crabs. Ok, that might be a lie.
4. Tinkerbell Cabin- It sounds like the sight of a mass murder, therefore I think it would make an eerie surname. No thanks!
5. Torture Candle- Hot and waxy....

I promise to reveal the truth in due time my avid readers.

Soccer Memories

I played youth soccer growing up. I continued my soccer career into high school and college. Although I did get two concussions while playing, I never had this happen.

Lord of the Snake Rings

I am a big fan of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I am not the superfan who camps out at the theater four months before its premiere, but I do think that the movies were some of the best in movie history. I laughed, I cried, I lusted after Liv Tyler, it was better than Cats.

On the other side of the spectrum, there is the soon-to-be-released, "Snakes on a Plane" starring Samuel L. Jackson. I'm not sure who thought producing this film would be a good idea, but I have to question their movie marketing knowledge. Apparently, snakes + airplane = summer movie blockbuster. Brilliant.

Muffy

If anyone reading this blog has never watched the tv series "Buffy The Vampire Slayer," do it right now. It truly is one of the greatest shows in television history. It has it all...drama, comedy, romance, graphic violence, and lesbians. Don't watch the original movie with Luke Perry. It was (how do I put this nicely) terrible. Besides, there were no lesbians in the movie.

Cry Every Mountain

I was moved to tears the first time I saw a mountain. I was flying over the Canadian Rockies. Sure the mountains were neat. But, I cried because the man in the seat next to me had sulfur farts.

A "Single" Request

As a single man in my late twenties, I feel inclined to outline a few rules for my married friends. (I should probably mention that nearly all of my friend's are married.) Therefore, in order to be respectful to me, here is all I ask of my married friends:

1. Don't talk to me about your sex life. I don't want to hear about how many times you had sex, where you mated, who was there, what toys were used, who watched, how long or how big. I don't care. If it continues, I will be forced to begin frequent discussions of my masturbation marathons at socially inappropriate times (in front of your family). Oh, I might do that anyway.

2. For Christmas, please don't expect gifts for you, your spouse, your twelve kids, and the family dog. I am not wealthy. I will have a discussion about the financial struggles of singleness in a later blog entry.

3. My life doesn't revolve around you or your schedule. One of the advantages of being single is the ability to come and go as I please. This doesn't mean that I will jump at the ten-minute window of opportunity that your wife gave you to hang out this week. I'm not that desperate to see you.

4. Go on dates with your spouses. My goodness, I rarely ever hear of or see my married friends going on dates. Get away and do something. Leave the kids, the dogs, the worries of everyday life and reconnect with one another. Just don't tell me about it if you choose to "reconnect" in that way.

He/She

I'm a HUGE soccer fan. Needless to say the last few weeks I've been in my own personal heaven. I have World Cup Fever. I have Tivo'ed every game.

I admit that I was excited that France defeated Brazil. I certainly don't hate Brazil. I think their team is amazingly talented. But, I do think that Ronaldhino might be a tranny. So, I didn't really think it was fair of them to keep winning.

Driving me Crazy

Recently, on my long drives to and from work, I have been pondering important philosophical ideas. My last drive produced a top ten list of the all time work karaoke songs. As my life continues to be open to you through this blog, I will share these musical gems with you now.

Top Ten Worst Karaoke Songs

10. "We are the World" by various artist. Could you imagine a drunk 40 something trying to imitate all those artists' voices?

9. Anything by Rob Zombie. His songs aren't what I would call "lyrical."

8. "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston. The problem with this song is twofold. First, the song sucks, and no one wants to hear a sappy love song in a pub full of drunken half-naked college students. Secondly, in order to do justice to any Whitney Houston song, one MUST carry with them a white napkin with which to wipe excess sweat from your brow during the performance. This is a MAJOR hindrance during karaoke performances.

7. "Take this Job and Shove It" by Johnny Paycheck. I have heard this song on several occasions at a bar I use to frequent. My personal favorite rendition is the bearded man who sang his version, "Take this job and shove it up your f##kIng a##." It was oddly amusing. However, I needed two Jaegermeister shots afterwards.

6. "It's the End of the World as We Know It" by REM. Why would anyone even try?

5. "The Thong Song" by Cisco. Yes, I've heard it. I never want to speak of it again.

4. "Who Let the Dogs Out" by The Baha Men. Do I even need to say anything?

3. "Hotel California" by The Eagles. Let's leave this one to William Hung.

2. "I Would Do Anything for Love" by Meatloaf. Although his performance in the Rocky Horror Picture Show was oscar-worthy, his songs don't appeal to the typical bar crowd.

and the number one all time worst karaoke song (in my opinion is)....

"I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls. I am not opposed to talking about masturbation. After all, who doesn't practice the love that dare not speak its name? But, do we really need to sing about it?

Needless to say, I should probably pay more attention to the road while driving....