Kid Rock...His Music Moves Me.

In fact, whenever I hear a Kid Rock song, my body instantly responds with a strong need to defecate. In scientific terms…it’s a simple physiological response to an auditory abomination.

Beach 11am

Eyes of deep-set sadness,
the pale girl
walks foot in front of foot,
along the curved wave boundary.
One side chocolate with moisture,
the other arid, lightly bronzed.
Her arms extend limply,
providing steadiness to her steps.
Her indigo sundress pulls me to the water,
but undersized whitecaps
push her towards me.
In-between,
she continues undaunted.

Udderly Fascinating

Due to a recent lull in the job market, I have decided to expand my job search to include positions that I may not have previously considered. One of the most memorable, as of late, was a position as a breast-feeding coach at a local women’s center. Here are some of the job responsibilities outlined in their classified advertisement, along with my interpretation of what they meant to say.

*Minimum of a high school diploma or GED completed; those with associates degree or greater encouraged to apply – You don’t need to be too smart, just know your blouse puppies.

*Must be dependable and well organized – Must possess working knowledge of how to align sweater hams into neatly arranged rows.

*Must be able to perform home visits within the service area – Your rack need not come to us, we will come to you.

*Good interpersonal skills necessary to effectively interact with patients, families, health care providers and other staff. –Your milkshake should bring all the boys to the yard.

*Experience in maternal child health care, counseling, family planning/reproductive health care or counseling and/or community health. -Virgins need not apply.

*Enthusiasm, optimism and commitment to improving breastfeeding rates. -As our economy has declined, so have breast-feeding rates. We must increase the number of functioning milk bombs and the uses thereof.

*Knowledge of target population, service area and/or underserved populations.- We target mainly DD’s. In addition, our underserved population (men) are the focus of a recent marketing campaign, who at this juncture have still yielded no results.

*Foster relationship with patients through communication and rapport building to build a basis for ongoing support.- Give the old nipples a tweak every once in a while to let your milk-makers know that you still care.

*Promote/education and support breastfeeding using a variety of techniques (written, verbal, demonstration, etc) and variety of types of contacts (clinic, home, phone).- The ideal candidate must vow to write on knockers, scream at chesticles, or manually manipulate melons in order for proper BF training to occur. If needed, he/she will participate in hot breast phone sex.

Finger-crossed, I am awaiting a call-back.

I Bet This Doesn't Happen to Oprah...

Let me first begin by saying that I have several close friends who are civil servants. I think very highly of them, both personally and professionally. I consider them to be men and women of strong morals and great integrity.

That being said, will the Midwest State Police Department stop pulling me over for no reason? Seriously, it is getting annoying. 3 times and including once in my own driveway? Seriously... I guess it's because I'm a strong black woman.

He's no Corey Feldman, but I Still Tried to Hump Him.

Even though I have not yet revealed my name (and oh, the emails asking for my true identity seem endless), I have decided to give my reader(s?) a quick glimpse of what I look like.

So, here is photo of me. (And a fat, bald man in a blue shirt holding me after I just tried to hump the shit out of his leg.)

Just a Warning

Beware of the Nannysaurus Rex. She will cut you. I'm serious.

Fuck the Whales. Save Me!

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

I have recently joined the ranks of the under-employed, and am now looking to free myself from the corn-bondage of the Midwest. The time has come for me to fly far from here. I need a change.

This is not to say that I don’t love my family and friends who live in this area. I certainly do. But there is little else for me here (although we did just get a Sonic, and the very notion that I am mentioning that as a highlight within this vast culinary wasteland only serves to lend further support to my need to leave). As someone who has traveled extensively for work in the past, and lived in such cities as New Orleans, Houston, Atlanta, Las Vegas, and Orlando, I need new air to breathe.

TC is starting a new fundraising campaign. The campaign is called, “Footloose and Farm-Free!” I will move to either coast or any European country. I am accepting financial donations and/or any job leads. Rumor has it that Justin Timberlake may be hosting a benefit dinner to help raise funds. I am also offering my services as a male stripper or adult film star if anyone is interested. I will also give handjobs for cash on a limited basis...

Seriousness

I have been in a serious, self-reflective mood lately. No better evidence lies below- with my feeble attempt at poetry. I often struggle with whether or not to post my writings. Some are deeply personal, some emotional, most quite terrible, but after much deliberation, I will post several of them. I will win no Pulitzer. I write what I feel-simple and raw. I know no other way.

Momentum

Waxing moon,
Tinted slightly golden,
covering endless mire,
withdrawing into shadow.
In a dream,
gathering energy
for my next step,
I inhale.
Exhale.
Doubt will
Leave my mind
for the sanctity
of moonlight.
Open eyes,
the swamplands
smell organic,
raw with wet earth.
My fist unclenches,
releasing the stone
to reunite with water.
In a predictable way,
a circle, a ripple,
toward my leg.
Bringing momentum.

Special Announcement

Someone actually reads my blog. Who knew?

It has inspired me to write more. Look for more frequent posts in the days and weeks ahead.

Update for Spring

It’s springtime. And besides cleaning, here’s what I have been up to:

Planning Homeless Prom 2008.

Reading Harry Potter books with a new level of understanding.

Donating to the 1st Annual Beef-a-thon.

Checking out books from the Thyroid Library.

Making plans.

Redefining fame.

Fiercely competing for a comedy award.

Moving to Randomtown, USA.

Threadspinning.

Understanding (again) where I fit in.

Eating Jesus steak.

Greatly anticipating the arrival of the Trash Fairy.

Understanding the built-in irony of fundraising.

Being Wicked.

If you can't beat it...Muppet!

I miss The Muppet Show. I have such fond memories of Kermit, Miss Piggy, Beaker, Gonzo, the Swedish Chef, and Scooter, just to name a few. As a young man full of hormone imbalances, I recall identifying with different characters during my various moods (my emotional intelligence as a child was off the fucking charts). When I was lucid, I was Kermit-logical and coherent. When losing self-control, I was Animal, banging on everything in sight. When struggling with my apparent lack of talent (what 7 year old doesn’t) and felt like hard work was the only solution, I was Fozzy Bear.

Over the years, I've revisited my fascination with my hand-operated friends on many occasions. I wonder how Muppets could fit into society in 2008. I have come to realize that in order to make the characters reflect the real world struggles of modern day citizens, the Muppets must change with the times. Sure, stagehands are important, as are scientists and drummers. However, we need Muppets for a new Millennium.

Here is my current list of Muppets we need, and the roles I see them playing:

Wilma Muffstank: Muppet Porn Star (although Miss Piggy was clearly headed in that direction)
Milfy Rachel: Cooking/Talk Show Host Muppet
Billy Goatie-Gates: Internet Junkie Muppet
Oliver O: Muppet Army Sergeant
Lil Barry Boo-Hoo: Steroid Abusing Muppet
Mary-Kate No Biscuit Ate: Eating Disorder Muppet
Jamie-Terry Pat: Hermaphroditic Star of Muppet Idol

I also desperately need a substance abusing Muppet…a sort of Alcoholic Muppet. Yes, that’s it exactly. I will think of a good name for an Alcoholic Muppet and post it at a later time.

Sometimes I guess I have too much time on my hands…

Mad World

Mad World
Gary Jules (cover of Tears for Fears)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad world


Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad World
Enlarging your world
Mad World.

Recent Headline: Manager says Britney Spears has 'Mental Issues'

Really? Does she?

Migraines

Migraines are not fun. Just in case anyone was wondering.

New Years Resolution: 2008 FE

After years of apparent denial, I have recently identified myself as a believer in karma (Oh yes, I’m a karma chameleon). In my life, however, I have come to realize something very important…

Good things don’t necessarily come to people who do good things.

For most, if not all, of my adult life, I was under the false impression that if I did good things, if I worked for good causes, then, for some unknown reason, good things would happen to me as a result. I can now safely say that this is NOT, in reality, the case. For example: I currently work one full-time job, hold a part time coaching job for a youth volleyball program, as well as a part-time job at a local restaurant. I am currently in negotiations to add a third part-time job to my already full plate. Also, I am grant writer and do volunteer activities for a local non-profit organization. I am a nationally certified trainer and disaster volunteer for the American Red Cross. My past occupations have included: director of a shelter for abused, abandoned and neglected children, victim advocate for a child welfare service agency, director of a helpline for addicts, community liaison for families in need of public assistance, and 4 years served as a crisis interventionist. All in all, I have always tried, and always will try, to do what is good for humanity. (By the way, I am NOT implying that I am Mother Teresa here.)

But where has all of this apparent goodwill toward humanity gotten me? Well, I am completely exhausted, broke, tired, lonely and have $70,000 in student loan debt (and still have the uncanny ability to live paycheck to paycheck without the benefit of a checking or savings account). I currently have 14 dollars in my wallet. This past year, I helplessly watched one of my best friends die. My life is completely contraned by financial limitations.

This leads me to two conclusions…

First, fuck karma.

And secondly, it leads me to my 2008 New Year’s Resolution…"Fuck Everyone in 2008".

Happy New Year to you and your loved ones. Go out and do something nice for humanity?

Ice