Santa Makes Lists, So Why Can't I?

I, like some of my blog-mates (and Santa too), enjoy lists. In bus(t)y times like these, lists make it easier to convey the happenings in my life to my (lack of)faithful readers.

Here is another list of my recent life activities:

Slipping into a deeper depression knowing that the upcoming Duran Duran concert in a nearby major city has sold out.
Slipping into a deeper depression.

Appreciating Keith Urban.
Devaluing Keith Richards.
Deciphering Little Richard.
Defying Richard Simmons.

Buying wastebaskets for future storage needs.
Buying wastebasket lids for future storage needs.

Wondering why I ever sang in weddings.
Wondering why I ever sang.
Wondering why I went to weddings.
Wondering why.

Running errands.
Running.

Preparing for my “Strap-On New Year’s Eve Party.”
Being strapped.

Losing myself in the Settlers of Satan board game.
Losing to settlers.
Losing myself (to Satan, and his music?)
Losing.

Adding to my current list of allergies.
Adding to my current lists.

Frantically planning my Christmas card photo shoot.
Frantically planning.
Frantically shooting photos.

Wishing I was somehow here.
Wishing I was somehow here again.

Discussing the difference between a “three-some” and a “three-way.”
Discussing the difference between a "parkway" and a "freeway."

Enjoying the hustle and bustle of the blackest Friday in recent memory.
Enjoying hustlers and busts.

Encouraging my testicle to descend.
Encouraging my testicle.

Discovering happy, smiling faces.
Discovering happy, smiling faces in unexpected locations.

You've been salamiriding, haven't you?

While you were off wishing that life were beautiful… I have been hard at work. Here are some things that I have been up to:

Fielding (seemingly) endless offers from the Australian Olympic Swimming Commission to be a part of the Australian Olympic Development Swimming Program.

Writing a script for my new hit movie, Blackzilla.

Doing everything (brutally).

Interviewing schizophrenics.

Clinging to the notion that life will get better.

Being mesmerized by Liz Taylor’s guitar-playing skills.

Dealing with my apparent lack of superpowers, specifically “Keith Urban Fan Locator” and “Automobile Super Navigation Skills.”

Yelling, “That’s a big one!” randomly.

Thanking the US Postal Service for the holiday packages they deliver.

Admiring flannel-on-flannel fashion.

Hiking through horny sheep territory.

Greatly enjoying Violent Femmes covers.

Carrying the NutBuster 5000.

Enduring (Injured) Giant Angry Wasp Drama.

Celebrating my torso.

Finally!

Thank God I FINALLY found a picture of Keith Urban....

Keith Urban or Melissa Etheridge?

I love lesbian turtle pants.

Part Two

Ahh, see the game gets more difficult. Keith Urban or Indigo Girl?

(However, this STILL is an Indigo Girl. I don't like giving away answers but this is a difficult game...)

A Keith Urban concert is an inappropriate time for a gangbang survey!

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In case anyone was curious…

I have named my autobiography. It will be called….

“Meat Flaps and Monogamy.”

Look for it on bookshelves soon. Well, after I actually write it, of course.