I Bet This Doesn't Happen to Oprah...

Let me first begin by saying that I have several close friends who are civil servants. I think very highly of them, both personally and professionally. I consider them to be men and women of strong morals and great integrity.

That being said, will the Midwest State Police Department stop pulling me over for no reason? Seriously, it is getting annoying. 3 times and including once in my own driveway? Seriously... I guess it's because I'm a strong black woman.

He's no Corey Feldman, but I Still Tried to Hump Him.

Even though I have not yet revealed my name (and oh, the emails asking for my true identity seem endless), I have decided to give my reader(s?) a quick glimpse of what I look like.

So, here is photo of me. (And a fat, bald man in a blue shirt holding me after I just tried to hump the shit out of his leg.)

Just a Warning

Beware of the Nannysaurus Rex. She will cut you. I'm serious.

Fuck the Whales. Save Me!

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

I have recently joined the ranks of the under-employed, and am now looking to free myself from the corn-bondage of the Midwest. The time has come for me to fly far from here. I need a change.

This is not to say that I don’t love my family and friends who live in this area. I certainly do. But there is little else for me here (although we did just get a Sonic, and the very notion that I am mentioning that as a highlight within this vast culinary wasteland only serves to lend further support to my need to leave). As someone who has traveled extensively for work in the past, and lived in such cities as New Orleans, Houston, Atlanta, Las Vegas, and Orlando, I need new air to breathe.

TC is starting a new fundraising campaign. The campaign is called, “Footloose and Farm-Free!” I will move to either coast or any European country. I am accepting financial donations and/or any job leads. Rumor has it that Justin Timberlake may be hosting a benefit dinner to help raise funds. I am also offering my services as a male stripper or adult film star if anyone is interested. I will also give handjobs for cash on a limited basis...

Seriousness

I have been in a serious, self-reflective mood lately. No better evidence lies below- with my feeble attempt at poetry. I often struggle with whether or not to post my writings. Some are deeply personal, some emotional, most quite terrible, but after much deliberation, I will post several of them. I will win no Pulitzer. I write what I feel-simple and raw. I know no other way.

Momentum

Waxing moon,
Tinted slightly golden,
covering endless mire,
withdrawing into shadow.
In a dream,
gathering energy
for my next step,
I inhale.
Exhale.
Doubt will
Leave my mind
for the sanctity
of moonlight.
Open eyes,
the swamplands
smell organic,
raw with wet earth.
My fist unclenches,
releasing the stone
to reunite with water.
In a predictable way,
a circle, a ripple,
toward my leg.
Bringing momentum.

Special Announcement

Someone actually reads my blog. Who knew?

It has inspired me to write more. Look for more frequent posts in the days and weeks ahead.

Update for Spring

It’s springtime. And besides cleaning, here’s what I have been up to:

Planning Homeless Prom 2008.

Reading Harry Potter books with a new level of understanding.

Donating to the 1st Annual Beef-a-thon.

Checking out books from the Thyroid Library.

Making plans.

Redefining fame.

Fiercely competing for a comedy award.

Moving to Randomtown, USA.

Threadspinning.

Understanding (again) where I fit in.

Eating Jesus steak.

Greatly anticipating the arrival of the Trash Fairy.

Understanding the built-in irony of fundraising.

Being Wicked.

If you can't beat it...Muppet!

I miss The Muppet Show. I have such fond memories of Kermit, Miss Piggy, Beaker, Gonzo, the Swedish Chef, and Scooter, just to name a few. As a young man full of hormone imbalances, I recall identifying with different characters during my various moods (my emotional intelligence as a child was off the fucking charts). When I was lucid, I was Kermit-logical and coherent. When losing self-control, I was Animal, banging on everything in sight. When struggling with my apparent lack of talent (what 7 year old doesn’t) and felt like hard work was the only solution, I was Fozzy Bear.

Over the years, I've revisited my fascination with my hand-operated friends on many occasions. I wonder how Muppets could fit into society in 2008. I have come to realize that in order to make the characters reflect the real world struggles of modern day citizens, the Muppets must change with the times. Sure, stagehands are important, as are scientists and drummers. However, we need Muppets for a new Millennium.

Here is my current list of Muppets we need, and the roles I see them playing:

Wilma Muffstank: Muppet Porn Star (although Miss Piggy was clearly headed in that direction)
Milfy Rachel: Cooking/Talk Show Host Muppet
Billy Goatie-Gates: Internet Junkie Muppet
Oliver O: Muppet Army Sergeant
Lil Barry Boo-Hoo: Steroid Abusing Muppet
Mary-Kate No Biscuit Ate: Eating Disorder Muppet
Jamie-Terry Pat: Hermaphroditic Star of Muppet Idol

I also desperately need a substance abusing Muppet…a sort of Alcoholic Muppet. Yes, that’s it exactly. I will think of a good name for an Alcoholic Muppet and post it at a later time.

Sometimes I guess I have too much time on my hands…

Mad World

Mad World
Gary Jules (cover of Tears for Fears)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad world


Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad World
Enlarging your world
Mad World.

Recent Headline: Manager says Britney Spears has 'Mental Issues'

Really? Does she?

Migraines

Migraines are not fun. Just in case anyone was wondering.

New Years Resolution: 2008 FE

After years of apparent denial, I have recently identified myself as a believer in karma (Oh yes, I’m a karma chameleon). In my life, however, I have come to realize something very important…

Good things don’t necessarily come to people who do good things.

For most, if not all, of my adult life, I was under the false impression that if I did good things, if I worked for good causes, then, for some unknown reason, good things would happen to me as a result. I can now safely say that this is NOT, in reality, the case. For example: I currently work one full-time job, hold a part time coaching job for a youth volleyball program, as well as a part-time job at a local restaurant. I am currently in negotiations to add a third part-time job to my already full plate. Also, I am grant writer and do volunteer activities for a local non-profit organization. I am a nationally certified trainer and disaster volunteer for the American Red Cross. My past occupations have included: director of a shelter for abused, abandoned and neglected children, victim advocate for a child welfare service agency, director of a helpline for addicts, community liaison for families in need of public assistance, and 4 years served as a crisis interventionist. All in all, I have always tried, and always will try, to do what is good for humanity. (By the way, I am NOT implying that I am Mother Teresa here.)

But where has all of this apparent goodwill toward humanity gotten me? Well, I am completely exhausted, broke, tired, lonely and have $70,000 in student loan debt (and still have the uncanny ability to live paycheck to paycheck without the benefit of a checking or savings account). I currently have 14 dollars in my wallet. This past year, I helplessly watched one of my best friends die. My life is completely contraned by financial limitations.

This leads me to two conclusions…

First, fuck karma.

And secondly, it leads me to my 2008 New Year’s Resolution…"Fuck Everyone in 2008".

Happy New Year to you and your loved ones. Go out and do something nice for humanity?

Ice

Holiday Cheer

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. (Other than the mating season for antelope.) Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones!

Now go get something (unsightly) and make it beautiful.

CCC

I have recently completed a 16-day immersion in cow culture. Upon further investigation, I have determined that cow culture is complicated. Not only do cows have a highly evolved social class system, but they actually practice shunning. A cow that commits adultery becomes known by the title, “Whore-Cow,” and is outcast from cow community. The “Whore-Cow” is also forced to bear a "W" on her chest.

Here are some other little known facts about cow culture:

1. Cow Porn, known to many as “moo-moo hardcore,” is the highest grossing industry in cow culture.
2. The most popular t-shirt among Goth cow teens, “Utterly Devastated.”
3. The most popular movie for cow pre-teens, “Cow School the Moosical.”
4. The term, “Half and half,” means something completely different to a cow prostitute.
5. Many, many cows long to run in the Kentucky Derby.
6. There are only 17 known copies of the Cow Bible.
7. Cow Pope (also known as Holy Cow) holds mass twice a week.
8. They generally find cow-tipping amusing and only chase tippers to get an autograph.
9. “Poo Poo Platter” means something different to Cow chef.
10. Gargamel is their archenemy.

Next up for me, my total immersion into toad culture. More on that in the weeks ahead.

Santa Makes Lists, So Why Can't I?

I, like some of my blog-mates (and Santa too), enjoy lists. In bus(t)y times like these, lists make it easier to convey the happenings in my life to my (lack of)faithful readers.

Here is another list of my recent life activities:

Slipping into a deeper depression knowing that the upcoming Duran Duran concert in a nearby major city has sold out.
Slipping into a deeper depression.

Appreciating Keith Urban.
Devaluing Keith Richards.
Deciphering Little Richard.
Defying Richard Simmons.

Buying wastebaskets for future storage needs.
Buying wastebasket lids for future storage needs.

Wondering why I ever sang in weddings.
Wondering why I ever sang.
Wondering why I went to weddings.
Wondering why.

Running errands.
Running.

Preparing for my “Strap-On New Year’s Eve Party.”
Being strapped.

Losing myself in the Settlers of Satan board game.
Losing to settlers.
Losing myself (to Satan, and his music?)
Losing.

Adding to my current list of allergies.
Adding to my current lists.

Frantically planning my Christmas card photo shoot.
Frantically planning.
Frantically shooting photos.

Wishing I was somehow here.
Wishing I was somehow here again.

Discussing the difference between a “three-some” and a “three-way.”
Discussing the difference between a "parkway" and a "freeway."

Enjoying the hustle and bustle of the blackest Friday in recent memory.
Enjoying hustlers and busts.

Encouraging my testicle to descend.
Encouraging my testicle.

Discovering happy, smiling faces.
Discovering happy, smiling faces in unexpected locations.

You've been salamiriding, haven't you?

While you were off wishing that life were beautiful… I have been hard at work. Here are some things that I have been up to:

Fielding (seemingly) endless offers from the Australian Olympic Swimming Commission to be a part of the Australian Olympic Development Swimming Program.

Writing a script for my new hit movie, Blackzilla.

Doing everything (brutally).

Interviewing schizophrenics.

Clinging to the notion that life will get better.

Being mesmerized by Liz Taylor’s guitar-playing skills.

Dealing with my apparent lack of superpowers, specifically “Keith Urban Fan Locator” and “Automobile Super Navigation Skills.”

Yelling, “That’s a big one!” randomly.

Thanking the US Postal Service for the holiday packages they deliver.

Admiring flannel-on-flannel fashion.

Hiking through horny sheep territory.

Greatly enjoying Violent Femmes covers.

Carrying the NutBuster 5000.

Enduring (Injured) Giant Angry Wasp Drama.

Celebrating my torso.

Finally!

Thank God I FINALLY found a picture of Keith Urban....

Keith Urban or Melissa Etheridge?

I love lesbian turtle pants.