Due to a recent lull in the job market, I have decided to expand my job search to include positions that I may not have previously considered. One of the most memorable, as of late, was a position as a breast-feeding coach at a local women’s center. Here are some of the job responsibilities outlined in their classified advertisement, along with my interpretation of what they meant to say.
*Minimum of a high school diploma or GED completed; those with associates degree or greater encouraged to apply – You don’t need to be too smart, just know your blouse puppies.
*Must be dependable and well organized – Must possess working knowledge of how to align sweater hams into neatly arranged rows.
*Must be able to perform home visits within the service area – Your rack need not come to us, we will come to you.
*Good interpersonal skills necessary to effectively interact with patients, families, health care providers and other staff. –Your milkshake should bring all the boys to the yard.
*Experience in maternal child health care, counseling, family planning/reproductive health care or counseling and/or community health. -Virgins need not apply.
*Enthusiasm, optimism and commitment to improving breastfeeding rates. -As our economy has declined, so have breast-feeding rates. We must increase the number of functioning milk bombs and the uses thereof.
*Knowledge of target population, service area and/or underserved populations.- We target mainly DD’s. In addition, our underserved population (men) are the focus of a recent marketing campaign, who at this juncture have still yielded no results.
*Foster relationship with patients through communication and rapport building to build a basis for ongoing support.- Give the old nipples a tweak every once in a while to let your milk-makers know that you still care.
*Promote/education and support breastfeeding using a variety of techniques (written, verbal, demonstration, etc) and variety of types of contacts (clinic, home, phone).- The ideal candidate must vow to write on knockers, scream at chesticles, or manually manipulate melons in order for proper BF training to occur. If needed, he/she will participate in hot breast phone sex.
Finger-crossed, I am awaiting a call-back.
