T.C. Heads West...

Hello Seattle....
More updates to follow soon...

Kid Rock...His Music Moves Me.

In fact, whenever I hear a Kid Rock song, my body instantly responds with a strong need to defecate. In scientific terms…it’s a simple physiological response to an auditory abomination.

Beach 11am

Eyes of deep-set sadness,
the pale girl
walks foot in front of foot,
along the curved wave boundary.
One side chocolate with moisture,
the other arid, lightly bronzed.
Her arms extend limply,
providing steadiness to her steps.
Her indigo sundress pulls me to the water,
but undersized whitecaps
push her towards me.
In-between,
she continues undaunted.

Udderly Fascinating

Due to a recent lull in the job market, I have decided to expand my job search to include positions that I may not have previously considered. One of the most memorable, as of late, was a position as a breast-feeding coach at a local women’s center. Here are some of the job responsibilities outlined in their classified advertisement, along with my interpretation of what they meant to say.

*Minimum of a high school diploma or GED completed; those with associates degree or greater encouraged to apply – You don’t need to be too smart, just know your blouse puppies.

*Must be dependable and well organized – Must possess working knowledge of how to align sweater hams into neatly arranged rows.

*Must be able to perform home visits within the service area – Your rack need not come to us, we will come to you.

*Good interpersonal skills necessary to effectively interact with patients, families, health care providers and other staff. –Your milkshake should bring all the boys to the yard.

*Experience in maternal child health care, counseling, family planning/reproductive health care or counseling and/or community health. -Virgins need not apply.

*Enthusiasm, optimism and commitment to improving breastfeeding rates. -As our economy has declined, so have breast-feeding rates. We must increase the number of functioning milk bombs and the uses thereof.

*Knowledge of target population, service area and/or underserved populations.- We target mainly DD’s. In addition, our underserved population (men) are the focus of a recent marketing campaign, who at this juncture have still yielded no results.

*Foster relationship with patients through communication and rapport building to build a basis for ongoing support.- Give the old nipples a tweak every once in a while to let your milk-makers know that you still care.

*Promote/education and support breastfeeding using a variety of techniques (written, verbal, demonstration, etc) and variety of types of contacts (clinic, home, phone).- The ideal candidate must vow to write on knockers, scream at chesticles, or manually manipulate melons in order for proper BF training to occur. If needed, he/she will participate in hot breast phone sex.

Finger-crossed, I am awaiting a call-back.

I Bet This Doesn't Happen to Oprah...

Let me first begin by saying that I have several close friends who are civil servants. I think very highly of them, both personally and professionally. I consider them to be men and women of strong morals and great integrity.

That being said, will the Midwest State Police Department stop pulling me over for no reason? Seriously, it is getting annoying. 3 times and including once in my own driveway? Seriously... I guess it's because I'm a strong black woman.

He's no Corey Feldman, but I Still Tried to Hump Him.

Even though I have not yet revealed my name (and oh, the emails asking for my true identity seem endless), I have decided to give my reader(s?) a quick glimpse of what I look like.

So, here is photo of me. (And a fat, bald man in a blue shirt holding me after I just tried to hump the shit out of his leg.)

Just a Warning

Beware of the Nannysaurus Rex. She will cut you. I'm serious.

Fuck the Whales. Save Me!

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

I have recently joined the ranks of the under-employed, and am now looking to free myself from the corn-bondage of the Midwest. The time has come for me to fly far from here. I need a change.

This is not to say that I don’t love my family and friends who live in this area. I certainly do. But there is little else for me here (although we did just get a Sonic, and the very notion that I am mentioning that as a highlight within this vast culinary wasteland only serves to lend further support to my need to leave). As someone who has traveled extensively for work in the past, and lived in such cities as New Orleans, Houston, Atlanta, Las Vegas, and Orlando, I need new air to breathe.

TC is starting a new fundraising campaign. The campaign is called, “Footloose and Farm-Free!” I will move to either coast or any European country. I am accepting financial donations and/or any job leads. Rumor has it that Justin Timberlake may be hosting a benefit dinner to help raise funds. I am also offering my services as a male stripper or adult film star if anyone is interested. I will also give handjobs for cash on a limited basis...